Letting go of anger and other Lessons from Lockdown(s)

Hello, it’s me again,

It’s been a while, my friends. I hope you have been doing well, and yeah, apologies for such a gap between writingz- as you might be able to tell- I isolate and withdraw when I’m hurtin’.

Without further ado, here’s what I’ve been up to during Melbourne’s multiple lockdowns:

  • Enjoying new dates, relationships, places, and friendships
  • Exploring different parts of Melbourne now that it’s open
  • Healing, recovering, talking
  • Working hard and progressing to different roles within my job
  • Grieving healthily
  • Finished at least 8 books (I’ve never been a strong reader so I’m very proud of this one)
  • Editing and producing
  • Learning languages
  • Adopting new pets
  • Becoming an Aunty for the first time

So, what are some of the things I have learned?

I consider myself lucky. Not in a “thanks to COVID-19… we have _” kinda way but a glad I got through the pandemic without my health condition flaring up or becoming worse. I know my boundaries way better than before 2020. I notice when someone really hurts me… not lightly or accidentally, but deliberately, I cut them off without any trouble. Well, I thought I could until I learned that anger is a powerful emotion, especially for someone who rarely get’s angry.

Classic Amo get’s angry at: injustices to people or animals, people ignoring COVID safety precautions, Abusers (new addition to the list includes hypocrites and people who betray my trust)

Sometimes I’ve trusted someone for a while, we both communicated well, and established a mutual vulnerable safe space between each other. But it turns out I was wrong about them
Ya see folks, I was recently put to the test of:

Is being vulnerable with the right person worth it or not?

Boy, was I sent home early from that game show!

The Anger I’m trying let go of: Being disgarded like I’m trash

For example, I dunno… let’s call ‘em “Charlie”.
Now, I know I’m not perfect by any means nor are others, but sheeeesh the absolute irony of specifically setting a boundary early on– only for Charlie to use it as ammo against me. That really takes the cake (mmm cake). I take promises very seriously, even simple ones.

Fuck your friendship if you suck at pinky promises.

They are just as hypocritical as those mediocre rappers who preach one thing yet do the other. Women, money, cars, bling– you aren’t so original.“Love yourself… so my bank account grows” paraphrasing here… ok fine, I’ll use real lyrics instead:

“Not gonna lie, what a shitshow” or that other thing they preach“faithful workers coming in night after night, giving me their heart, giving me the spirit-” oops you were supposed to forget about that one. (don’t sue me poopy [fanbase name redacted])

What a shitshow indeed, heavily influencing others by saying one thing and then doing the opposite, blindly following a fake image while losing themselves. I shouldn’t hate Charlie for falling to the charm of a fake image, they too were just as fake. Very different from the guy I thought they were. Now I’m disgusted at the thought of them. Maybe that’s why I have trouble remembering the good memories that we once we shared. What a waste of a real love.

“You know exactly what you were doing and you knew it would hurt me, but somehow that didn’t stop you”

Again, I know I’m by no means perfect, and hey maybe I should’ve stopped trying to be his perfect Girlfriend. I doubt they’d understand what they did as the ultimate betrayal but I hope one day they aren’t discarded as trash like I was, or that their insecurities aren’t turned into ammo for others to share and monopolise. I hope he doesn’t have someone go behind his back like a petty immature brat. (angry blogging i’ll allow though haha)

I hope he heals after being hurt- when the mask drops, the cracks show in the replacement they idolise.

Lesson: To be humble to know I can be replaced yet wise enough to know there is no one else like me

I don’t expect any closure from him. He probably thinks I’m being crazy and has forgotten what was so bad about what he did, but oh well. Here’s my “letter to not send” (to get my feeling’s out) I want to keep healing and moving on. Now there is no sadness is left, just anger and deep disappointment. I don’t even know if I want to remember the good memories anymore but I sure miss the new experiences and friends I made along the way. Is it bad that I miss their cat and dog way more than them now?

The good thing about letting hurtful people go during a hard time (not just a pandemic but through grief too)… it makes you focus on other things, such as things you missed out on or had to give up, and those who have proven time and time again how reliable they are, how present, how kind, and how stable/ healthy. It made me a better girlfriend for the next.

My betrayal long overdue rant isn’t the worst thing to happen on this small blue dot, the one that has been going through a terrifying few years, the same dot that still spins around a star, surrounded by a few clusters of more stars, etc., etc.

Maybe the good memories will travel back to me again sometime.

For now, I am chilling with my blanked-out memory (probably from working too hard, my sleep schedule or my fatigue), wondering what is worth treasuring and who is worth treasuring. I’m grateful to those who have been working throughout the pandemic, doing their part and helping those affected by the virus. Also to the unnamed people who will never get recognition for what they do. I treasure you.

I definitely treasure my readers past and future, thank you to those who have been going through my archives and reaching out- ‘preciate cha.

My goals for the rest of the year are:

  • Trying to be less negative about past people and less disgusted by them.
  • To catch up physically or digitally with old friends
  • To be open-minded and open-hearted but be even more assertive with healthy boundaries with those who don’t respect them.

How do you deal with people who don’t respect your boundaries?

Thanks for helping me let off steam,

Onwards and upwards!