“When feeling your worst, still show up for yourself somehow”
Previously in Amo’s Adventures, She has the rug pulled out from underneath her in a surprise breakup.
Hey Adventurers,
I hope you had an amazing year 🙂
I am happy to be back here after a good few months of grieving, enjoying hobbies and taking care of my health.
I am comfortable to share a bit more of what I’ve been going through this year and also how I was able to get to a much better place. Back at the start of the breakup I couldn’t even picture myself as ‘ok’ as I am now, I’m so glad I didn’t give up! 😀
It feels good to get this off my chest.
During the week following the breakup, I expressed that “My Soul feels likes it’s aching and wants to escape.” The pain was unimaginable and I wasn’t sure how to get rid of it healthily. I decided to dedicate time to researching best ways of coping that avoid any substances or damaging behaviour. Boy did it sure pay off big time!!!
I will write more about coping strategies in the up and coming posts and keep practising them daily.
- #1 would be to let your emotions do their thing
- Another point is reaching out to your support network whether it’s family or friends.
Stuck in the negatives
I feel as though I’ve been inside a washing machine of emotions this year, but I’ve finally slowed down to observe the rubble that was left after my first relationship ended. I arrived at Ground Zero.
“It’s really difficult to deal with… Loving someone so much when they don’t love you enough to fight for you. It really, it makes you question your own self-worth.” -Emma Gibbs.
I had the choice to stay in the negatives or move forward with self-care no matter how shit I was feeling that week and month.
Here is a great TED talk about what to do if you are ‘Stuck in negatives’ and how to get out unstuck. It goes for 6 mins.
I was given no option but to embark on a new direction for my future. Something that would have taken me, who knows how long if the breakup hadn’t had happened. What a positive result stemming from a not so positive circumstance!
To remove myself from the negatives, I pushed myself to socialise. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I knew Melbourne’s weather would only get colder as time went on. A friend had planned a road trip to the beach and it couldn’t have been better timing for when I needed a friend most and the ocean to soothe my soul.
My anxiety was at a high but the fear of missing out on this road trip was greater. I reminded myself it could be another year until I see the ocean again and how it will be so worth it now. “You need this Amy, You really need this”
The beach was calling my name, and my health was demanding it.
So within a few days of my first breakup, I picked myself up and got out of bed, grabbed my bikini/bathers and went on a road-trip to beautiful Portsea beach on the Mornington Peninsula.
It had been years since I’ve done a road trip like this and months of not seeing friends, that’s how wrapped up in the relationship I was.
For that entire day, I could not get the person I loved out of my head so I just allowed the thoughts and grief to be washed out with the tide. At one point I thought I would get teary as our detour meant driving by my exes town. Luckily no sighting of the Yeti H, Thank God!
Beach Road Trip and Disney Songs
We got our snacks for the drive and hopped onto the highway. The sun was already beaming down and the Disney songs were blaring in the car. I hate the sound of my voice and hate to sing in front of anyone, but here I was belting out my favourite songs from The Lion King, Little Mermaid, Mulan, I really put that negative voice aside and enjoyed the imperfect key I sang in. Hills and farms rolled on until finally, the ocean was in view. A beautiful deep blue that was a few shades darker than the baby blue sky.
Bob Ross would have loved to have painted it, just sayin’
The second time passing my ex’s town felt a bit easier after the day I had with good mates. It was a super successful day for me in terms of Depression and Anxiety. Was I getting stronger already? I was definitely strong enough for the up and coming wedding…
The healing was what I needed to remind myself that there is still enjoyment in the past times and that my self-worth and respect is still intact. Thanks friends for an awesome pick-me-up!
February was honestly a blur as my emotions prevented memories, but that’s ok, I kept a journal of how I was feeling, times for medication and chatting to friends. Hobbies subsided, as recent hobbies were inspired or shared with that ex. It felt gross to even look at the hobbies I did with my ex; such as my lego models, nano blocks, video games.
The best thing I did in this month was pack away everything that was a reminder of H. All the amazing gifts they showered me with surrounded me but they were now painful to be around. I tucked them away in the shadows of cupboards. Next to the pile was an encouraging poem from our first date. The one that told me I’m strong. Although I didn’t believe it at the time, I played with the thought of being strong.
How can you go from talking to someone hours every day to absolutely nothing without experiencing some kind of whiplash?
The Ghost and the Beach Wedding
Boy oh boy… what a special day of the year. What would have been the first anniversary was now a date on my calendar marked with a massive a red love-heart (months prior) I was so excited for it and the adventures I was going to plan…♥
This was a reminder to what made me feel like a failure. The relationship that was most important to me, that was never to see it’s first anniversary. It was a ghost and it had been haunting me.
A day I wasn’t feeling a lot of love showed a reminder that love can still be found and is real.
From peeling myself out of bed, to crying hours on end, I shed the pain to make room for confidence, happiness and my new future.
Here was the result:
I felt dapper as fuck! and I made sure I walked with confidence and held a smile wider than the equator.That night even some people complimented and hit on me. “Wha- me??”
The few days leading up to that date (not the wedding of course) left a disgusting feeling around me. So I allowed myself to grieve at a pivotal trigger. To grieve would be to accept and to accept meant I could regain my self-worth, love, happiness I handed over to the wrong person at that time.
The day was like an emotional high I was craving for months. I not only had a wonderful time at the wedding but proved myself to be strong again, and not the sad destroyed version of myself.
I did my best to hold on to that day as a reminder, that yes, while dates and anniversaries are of what ended for me, it is the continuation and beginning anniversaries for others. I’ve accepted that this ghost is going to be with me for a while as I recover and move on from the end of a relationship and expectations I had with it.
If thinking far ahead is truly difficult right now then showing up today for yourself is more than enough. For more on coping strategies, see ya next time! 😀
Amo's Adventures 