Today is March 4th. It never used to have any emotion behind it but today is one of the hardest days I’ve ever gone through.
Today is a date I’ve been looking forward to ever since a year ago when I fell madly in love for the first time. I have been fantasising about what surprising and amazing things I could do on this supposed romantic day.
March 4th marks what would have been my anniversary with someone who I was considering spending my life with.
I needed to get writing again, even if it meant I would withhold the relationship’s full details at this point. I’m sure I will be able to bring myself to explain that amazing journey we had at a later stage. Right now, my emotions have built up and are overflowing with deep sadness similar to what I’ve been going through with depression.
It’s been 45 days since the breakup, I have no idea what that means in terms of what to expect or even what to do next. But all I know is I must focus on myself and my Mental Health… and now work out what to do with them suddenly out of the picture.
Even though I’m young, I honestly felt my soul connected with this amazing person. From the moment we interacted, we both were shocked at not only the similarities but the values and futures we imagined individually and how aligned they were. On the first date, my anxiety dispersed and I was able to open up immediately as were they. Freakishly we were hooked onto each other and it was as if we had been waiting for each other to enter our lives at the right time.
The timing was perfect, our communication and connection on every level were perfect, but perhaps we weren’t as perfect for each other as we originally thought. We left the stereotypical ‘honeymoon stage’ (where infatuation rules over logic) and we grew even stronger as a couple. Things were starting to get serious as we progressed through the year. Before they went away, doubts about me and about ‘Us’ started to crowd their mind.
When they left, they were able to help make their mind up. I was no longer apart of their future. Now came the part where I was to find out. Unfortunately, it didn’t come from their mouth.
I’m not going to say it’s all their fault because it isn’t, it was their decision to make and I now I must respect it. I know it wouldn’t have been easy for them to break up with me knowing how much they cared and loved me (previously?), but I admire them for sticking up for their thoughts, beliefs and for their own future. But it hurts like a BITCH!
A month following the break-up I was able to gradually get stronger with my emotions ie. not crying out of nowhere, getting anxiety attacks, and even visited friends I hadn’t seen in years. I’m even flirting with some cuties and not feeling guilty about it.
I’ve been proud of myself for pushing during what people are telling me is one of the hardest things someone will go through in their life. So GOOD JOB AMY pats self on the back
A few days leading up to Today really hit me hard. Stop with the punch in the gut, March 4! I was already getting over Valentines Day, ya poop!
So while I was looking forward to ending the year on a high note and starting 2017 with a BANG~ you could say I’ve been a bit busy working out what being blindsided feels like and how to detach from my very first relationship.
I thought Major Depression gave me the all feels and all the numbness BOY OH BOY was I in for a ride!! I’ve never been able to pinpoint a location on my body where emotional pain becomes physical before, but I can clearly feel just above my sternum area a deep pain that is trying to escape, I last felt this on the day of the breakup. “My Soul feels likes it’s aching and wants to escape,” I expressed.
How do you recover from something you struggled to see was ever coming? Is it possible to fall out of love with someone who means the world to you?
Well, let’s go on an Adventure…
Happy Would-have-been Anniversary, I still want to wish you the best; even if it’s not with me anymore. ♥
As for the meantime, thanks for reading and I really hope 2017 is treating you well… and if it isn’t, LET’S TEAM UP AND KICK IT’S BUTT.
Do you know what I’m going to do today? I am going to go to the beach and actually stay overnight with family. The perfect healing couldn’t have come on a better date!
The Adventure Continues!!!